Crossroads

At the crossroads of my life now. Extremely tired these past few days thinking about you and my future, had 4hrs of total sleep for the previous two days and came back to Sg straight to my uncles place for his funeral prayers. Im dead tired crying about everything and faking a smile whenever I'm in public. Wasted 3yrs trying to keep the love I had with the first and only girl I love till this very moment. I have to stop being so pathetic, I regret that you don't want anything with me anymore it wasn't like I treated you badly but hey I was wrong to have not known that you were young and didn't know what you wanted in this life. I have time now and I need to get my act together, have so many other things to think about like getting myself through Uni and achieving a good career. I think it's time I aligned my priorities accordingly on what's of greater importance in my life. Love can wait for another time in the future. Hey it's not like someone is desperately wanting to be with me anyways. Also I can't remember what is happiness anymore and even if I do I think it's a feeling suited for me anymore. To a better tomorrow :)

Wish

I just wish to be a better person. I know it's simply said but many if not most of us can't achieve this at all. I try my best every day and I always get broken down. Sometimes I just think its the way I think cause I've become a real negative towards myself. I understand all of this yet I can't seem to sort out the problems cause they are not refrained to thoughts alone. They are all so fucking real. It hurts alot but I try to pick myself up and carry in with life. I am just scared that every time I break a piece of me is broken and wonder what will happen when all the pieces of me crack? Would I be able to continue living? Would I have the strength to face anything this world throws at me? In one word I can say no but I'll really try my damn hardest to make things work before I go out of this "game"

A new year

What do I want for this new year is the question on most people's mind. Well the definite answer is things that make them happier of course! From the item they have been wanting to purchase to the job they want to be doing, it's all about what you can draw happiness from. For me happiness is you it's that simple. I don't have to be spending all day or all my time Appsing you but once in awhile to get a whatsapp to get a conversation or even if I'm lucky to have a short meet up with you do you know what I'd give to enjoy all this with you? I'm really happy when you're here with me and god knows how crazy I am over you! I love you Zulaiqah Zulkifli and id give anything to make this year a blessed year for us. My wish this year is to end it with you being my partner in life till the end of time. :)

Christmas!!!!

Hey guys it's christmas!!! WOOHOOO!!!!! Yeahhhhh!!! Awesomeeeee!!! But I still feel shitty as always, sigh what to do. I'm Avi, this is how I feel all the time everytimeeeeee! Hahahahah, still taking the one day at a time shit but a lot of shit is getting to me. I wish the best for everyone out there and please if you guys are worrying about life always take note that there is someone who is having it worse then you so appreciate life as it is or if you can't take it talk to someone who can help and if that doesn't work out just do what makes you happy (p.s for me ending my life right now would make me soooo happy but I am living and carrying on with life cause of my family) Do take care and enjoy this holiday season alright mateys!!! 😊☺😌

Downhill

I don't know where I'm going in life. Was the saddest on my birthday and mentally just broke down after spending my evening with the one person I really loved. Couldn't take my life and called my dad and he came to my rescue as always. Wish I could be a better person that's all. I want to also make those around me happy too but this seems too much to ask for now isn't it. I'll just take one day at a time now, that's all I can afford to do as of now.

Runaway

I don't make the people around me happy anymore, I feel more of a burden then anything else. The girl I loves doesn't really love me back, I don't see eye to eye with my family members and life is just getting so tiring to live each and everyday by. The only reason I don't want to go for Brunei is solely because I'm scared of what may happen to my family when I'm not here. I will not be able to experience and go through this one yr with them. But I guess life works like that, it's a choice given and it's a good one to make as the benefits for me outweigh the bad points. The money is one and the overseas Uni education I can  easily afford for is another. I don't know this constitutes as a reason but also all those I'm leaving behind will be fine and they don't have to worry about me anymore. I don't mind, I just don't want them to be burdened with me that's all.

Brunei bound

A years posting to Brunei is just what I'd need to make me be independent and forget everything I have here. I'd miss a lot of things but if I go there, wouldn't it be better for all this people I rely on? Some of them are getting real tired of me and some don't even entertain me already. It's like I'm not needed in their life. This reason of not being needed here coupled with the fact that I earn some serious cash being posted there makes me want to commit to it. 

Still contemplating the decision but I do know that I won't be missed but I'll miss everyone I'm leaving behind here.